


when you break.

by temponarryfix



Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: Drug Use, M/M, Skam Season 3
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-04
Updated: 2017-08-05
Packaged: 2018-12-11 05:14:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death, Underage
Chapters: 2
Words: 735
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11707539
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/temponarryfix/pseuds/temponarryfix
Summary: there's a before, and there's an after.i could not quit you, i never wanted to.





	1. 1: after.

**Author's Note:**

> triggering stuff in here, please don't read if you know you'll get upset.

have you ever come down from a high, and you can't seem to end it?  
you're sitting in your bed, shaking and sweating and all you can see is stars and you think you're gonna up your guts all over the room. it's an awful feeling but for an addict, it means the ending of one high and space for the start of another.   
that's what he was like.  
I never thought I'd feel something like a crash from anything other than drugs, and yet there I sat, watching him pull on his school uniform at the end of my bed. he was a whole new kind of addiction, the kind I could touch and take and parade and not have to worry about getting in trouble for. he was an addiction I was willing to die for. an addiction, like all my others, that I could not learn to quit.

I met isak valtersen in his third and final year of high school. he was a beautiful specimen, the kind of boy you could stare at for hours and not get bored of, the same feeling you get when you're looking at a painting and trying to understand the meaning in the colours. he was standing outside of the school and talking to another boy, and his face was lit up, laughing. it was a wonderful sight, and maybe I walked past the school every day for a month after that to see him laugh again.   
he had wonderful, kind of round cheeks and bright eyes and the kind of smile that made you want to look at your shitty sinful life and confess it to some higher power. 

I think of him in the last few months, bony cheeks, a dull face, pale skin. I broke him. I knew I wasn't good enough and I chased him anyway, and I broke the only good thing I had. I don't deserve you, isak. but I promised from the day we met, that I'd tell our story and we'd make our millions off of it. here we are baby. chapter 1. the first penny in the pot.


	2. chapter 2: before

isak usually woke up at 7 each morning. he always insisted he needed enough time to prepare himself for school, to make sure he was in the right frame of mind to sit in class and do the best. i agreed with his schedule: I also needed to be in the right frame of mind, and watching him button his shirt over his pale chest made me smile until I came back home. when he woke up at 7 in the morning, I woke with him, just to watch the way he'd sit and eat his toast. he'd sit and finish it, kiss my hair and then leave with one last smile back into the kitchen. sometimes he'd trip on the carpet on his way out, complain about it when he came home. I removed the carpet three days after he moved in, just so I'd see him smile a little longer. 

when he was gone, I'd lock the bathroom door just to make sure he wouldn't see me, and place the pill under my tongue. sitting against the bath, I'd wait for it to kick in, wait for the rush of dopamine, the kind of high I could find when he was out and at school and doing what normal people should do. he wouldn't find out, not yet. people had warned him but he thought it was just hear say, his boyfriend could never be the junkie people said he was. he could never see me, needle in my arm, high off my face and seeing stars in the ceiling. I wouldn't break his heart like that. not yet. 

the first time he saw me during a high, he lay with me by the bathtub. I was pretty out of it and everything felt fuzzy but I could feel his head on my shoulder and his little whimpers as he cried into his hands. I knew he was thinking of all the warnings people had given him about me. I knew his heart was breaking, and that it would not be the last time. he rubbed my back as I vomited and pushed away his worries and his hurt. he always put me first and that was what I hated. that was what made him weak.


End file.
